BlakelyCole

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:16:07 GMT

we had no where else to go.
But we had a few hours to kill before I had to be back home. So he wanted to take me to his favorite place. We drove up to an airport. It was the first time I had ever been in one. We walked around finding a good spot to look at the planes come and go. They changed the runways so it was no longer easy to see he said. We found a semi decent spot. A mother and what I assume to be her son sat down the row of seats next to us. The glass window in front of us convexed out like the play station windows at McDonalds.
It was late and a weird time so not many were coming and going. I took my shoes off. It was quite. Not at all like how I imagined. We saw a plane coming. The woman pointed at the window and the boy put his face against the glass. There's daddy she said. She grabbed her white tennis shoes and grabbed the boys hand as they walked to somewhere I didn't know. I didn't see any security or the luggage machine belt thing. We sat there for awhile. The chairs were uncomfortable and cold. We only saw one plane and someone's dad was on it.
I don't remember what we talked about during that time of sitting. I don't think I learned anything significately important about him that night but it's a night that my brain remembered this moment. The fact that I remembered it randomly meant that I held it dear for some reason. For some reason my brain decided to store this one moment into long term memory instead of the facts that I needed to know for my political science quiz. However, I don't know what that reason was.
We got up sleepy and he held my hand and we walked back to the exit stopping at each information booth. One had the college I wanted to go to but my parents basically told me no. My aunt defended me as my dad and step mom yelled. I cried on the steps at thanksgiving three years ago. I don't remember this but apparently it happened. My aunt told me this, this past thanksgiving. How ugly they were talking about me and acted like I wasn't there.
We walked out and the wind blew past me. He put his hand on my back and opened the car door. I didn't want to go home. Even in a lonely airport with cold seats, it felt better then home.

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 04:14:15 GMT

you say things that hurts my feelings and it makes me think why i keep you around.

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 04:15:03 GMT

i need to go.
thinking about as soon as the holidays are over and I'm out of school, taking a trip.

make a stop to florida.
to the cherokee reservation.
maybe to texas or the great plains.
i would love to go to new york or chicago maybe san diego but I'm trying to dream with financial restrictions.
if only i had the money....
if only i had the irresponsible attitude.
i would go.

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 18:49:11 GMT

so im waiting for my room to clear out of fumes.
my room in my apartment was infested with fleas so they had to come put off bombs.
i hope it works.
it sucks cause now i have to wash everything....

oh my god....do i have to throw away all of my food??
this is going to be bad if i do.

shit.

positive entry ever.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:16:10 GMT

for the first time, i think possiblly ever...
i woke up feeling really good about myself.
i think i finally accept myself.
the way i look and everything.
i feel good about what i'm wanting to do.
about going to scad and going towards my dream and not being scared of failing.
i finished my painting last night and it looks better than i ever expected.
i can do this.
i have the confidence now and the security in myself.
i've been working out and my body is starting to change.
it feels good to be able to do that.

my love for good food.

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 23:44:25 GMT

my teeth hurt.
i guess they are reajusting to having more room then usual.
i always see things on tv about diets and how certain foods are filling.
thats not my problem with what i eat.
i'm always full...i just always want more.
no matter how full i am because it is delicious.
and i like good things.
especially good food.
and if i was rich, i am 99% sure thats were my spending would go.
not material things like huge tvs and nice cars.
just really amazing food.

oh and...

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:40:58 GMT

its annoying how much my siblings doesn't give a shit about me.
and its even more annoying when they pretend that they do just so i can go over to their house and entertain them...
but they would never come over and help me.
i'm not dumb.
it just hurts that thats how selfish they are.
it doesnt come as a surprise, it just still sucks.

List so far.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:34:58 GMT

Bathroom Stuff
shower curtain
shower curtain rings
bathroom rugs
bathroom hand towels

Kitchen Stuff
big frying pan
little frying pan
big pot
little pot
utensils
strainer
in house grill (if money permits)
plates
cups
baking pan
spatula
cooking spoons
dry measuring cups
liquid measuring cup
measuring spoons
knives

Bedroom Stuff
side table (if room permits)
curtains
curtain rod
laundry hamper
medicine cabinet or holder
new comforter (if money permits) - 67.94

waking up.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 16:19:04 GMT

last day that im off for my wisdom teeth.
my face is still swallon and im still taking medicine but oh well.
i had a dream that i woke up from and i dont really remember what i was say
or what i was doing.
but i was talking to someone, more like a lecture...
teaching someone a thing of two and eating this really good cheese toast.
now i want some.
i should really finish this painting.
like today.
so it's finished before i move apartments and have to pack.
now that my room mate plan is messed up i was thinking about all the things i need now.
she was going to let me borrow most of her stuff.
like living room furniture, pots, pans, plates....kitchen wear in general.
just stuff that i havent bought.
now i need to go buy these things.
money would solve a lot of my problems.
certaintly make things easier.
but its not going to solve my stinky breath.
my gums arn't bleeding as bad but i guess the stiches still stink.

i told ryan a story last night.
from my past life.
he thought it was funny and cute.
he laughed for like two minutes.
i dont understand why but i figured i would tell it.
it's probably the way i said and how pitiful i looked when i was saying it.

i was like 8.
I had to get surgery in my mouth.
they had to cut some gum from the top of my mouth and sew it on the front,
because the gum on a tooth in front was going to low.
Bren't skating rink birthday party was like a few days after this and this was most upsetting.
i wasn't allowed to do any big physical activity because of my mouth.
i wasn't allowed to skate.
i had three quarters and played in the machines.
and waited while everyone skated.
i had to sit there and watch them.
i was so pissed.
that cake seemed to take forever.
and my mom didn't break on letting me skate.
it was more like torture then entertainment.

crying.

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 17:45:04 GMT

So i'm upset.
two days ago the girl that i was suppose to be moving into an apartment with,
told me that she isn't doing that anymore.
her dad lost his job,
and he can't afford to have her go to school and live down here in the apartment.

i don't know what I'm going to do.
The reason why this upsets me so is because this ALWAYS happens to me.
the reason why i was moving out the apartment I am currently living in
because my two current room mates weren't going to resign their lease.

I learned this all after i gave up living with two other people that I knew for sure what was going on.
So basically my two current room mates changed their minds,
not giving any consideration to me, and i had to find a new plan.
Which I did.

I decided to move in with this girl at a more expensive apartment because it was pet friendly.
I don't have a pet so i could have just stayed where I was at.
and i have to start paying for my apartment this year.
basically long story short I always get fucked when it comes to apartments.

now i'm going to have to move to an another apartment that i have no idea who i am living with.
and i have to repaint my room here back white.
I was just going to live here,
thats why i painted it purple,
thats why i made my room comfortable.

and now my rent is going to be higher and i'm going to have to move all over again for what???
.....for nothing.
I'm not mad at the girl I am just very pissed off that this is happening to me.
once again I'm left empty handed.

Today they are suppose to call me to tell me if i get to move in early or not.
Doubt that will fucking happen.
Just called them and got an answer machine.
Probably going to have to make Ryan call up there again to pretend to be my dad.
Since no one seems to responds to me.
Since they obviously don't give a shit about their own customers till a parent gets involved.

My step mom also called yesterday.
I have been waiting 6 weeks to hear back from the insurance company
about wheither they have approved my boob reduction or not.
Turns out they have been doing NOTHING.

they told her that I have to go to many other doctors and get their opinions.
So this basically means i have to spend more money that i don't fucking have.
I don't have the money to pay $20 of different copays for nothing to happen.

For me to complain about my back and them go...okay what do you want me to do about it?
I don't have the money to go to physical therapy to help it.
This is just total bull shit.
I had high hopes.

and it hurts that all this time that i've been waiting, nothing has been going on.
There is no progress.
i took off a day of work, drove to Savannah, payed money for nothing.
absolutely nothing.

had a plastic surgeon say i was the perfect canidate and then NOTHING happen.
say that they will more then likely approve it because of how much i weigh and how large my boobs are
and nothing.
i'm so upset.

horrible day.
i can't stop crying.
wishing i would stop getting fucked over when i put so much effort into everything.
its like as soon as i find a solution, something else has to bring my hopes down and make sure it doesn't work out.
seriously its not fucking worth it anymore.

not sleeping.

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 17:50:13 GMT

i said i would wake him up 37 minutes ago.
but he was breathing so slowly i didn't want to disturb him.
last night i watched him sleep,
and as the sun came up his skin was a pale blue,
which was weird because it illuminated more then the gleam on his ear ring.

i didn't sleep at all.
and really all i have been doing these past few hours is telling my muscles to untense themselves.
I've been thinking and watching Ryan.
seeing his heart beat in his neck and how it moves his freckles.
i was playing with his finger nails earlier.
touching them and putting pressure on them...
watching how fast they turned from pink to white and then pink again.

i tried to meditate last night while i didn't sleep.
i tried to gather all the positive energy that i had in my body and put it in my left hand.
tingles went through my arms and for some reason my clavicles too.
i glided my hand over his back and head not touching him trying to push the positive energy into his body.
my hands got a little itchy and my skin felt weird.
i wonder if i really did anything...
or if the lack of sleep has made me crazy.

I'll ask him when he wakes up.
Hope he feels refreshed.

I've been up for 29 hours now.
my pupils are back down to their regular size,
but my skin is still alive.

but looking at him sleep last night
and thinking about all kinds of things..
i came to the conclusion, he could be my husband one day...
and i would very much like that.

thinking on the lifeguard stand

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 21:00:23 GMT

you know the part in the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe...
where edmund gets turkish delight from the evil queen?
i didn't know what it was so i always imagined it to be something like teryaki chicken.
because that is what i would want.
you can imagine my disgust when i found out it was a pastry dessert.
i still pretend to this day that it's yummy asian food.

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 17:16:04 GMT

so july fourth,

why did you not have any of the street food vendors you use to have?
where were the blooming onions?
ribs?
bbq?
funnel cakes?
all you provided this year was beer and it was really disapointing.

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 17:06:38 GMT

so after twirling in bed for a few hours, i finally got up.
i'm trying to get some energy to get all the way up, get dressed and go by avon.
i'm wanting/needing a red lip color that seems appropiate to not only get but also wear today.
I am very excited about celebrating July 4th this year.
it came to my attention the other day that this is the last holiday i celebrated with Ryan before he left to alabama.
i'm so glad that he is back again and that i can celebrate it with him again this year.
we are going down to river street to watch fire works.
i am a bit worried on how late we are going and how traffic will be.
ryan doesn't get off work till 5:30 and we will be heading there then.
I am excited about the food vendors.
I remember when I was younger and went to river street how good they all smelled.
Ribs, BBQ, shrimp, cakes, boiled peanuts, country cooking.
I just ate a bowl of cereal and that's all I plan on eating today till I go down there.
I love American food.

Stuff for party

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:42:31 GMT

ideas:
home made disco ball
decorate house like thriller video
hunch punch
put up christmas lights on railing
move furniture in living room
beer pong table back yard?
sign for front door. (neverland)

need:
cups
MJ cds
crowns for awards
talk to dad about drinks
fruit

getting:
speaker system from james
beer pong table from bryan maybe

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 19:13:12 GMT

It just randomly thundered loudly.
I randomly have heart burn because of it.
When I drove here from work it was clear skies.
Missed the first part of the OC episode due to the satalite being weird due to the random storm.
Why does it storm after I leave work.
sigh.
I am hosting my first party and my fear are many.
No one will come.
It will be lame.
Everyone will think i am lame.
I hope people will come and people will get into it.
sigh.
stressing.
It's a Micheal Jackson party.
Costumes and prizes and dancing hopefully.
I can picture it....
me stuck with a cooler of hunch punch and my boyfriend going, its okay, its fun.

Breakfast in Bed.

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 15:58:42 GMT

had the weirdest dream last night.
woke up to ryan slamming the door.
not out of anger or anything, its just the only way you can get it to shut.
quickly fell right back to sleep, oblivious to the time that was passing.
when i woke up again, which felt like just a minute...
ryan was sitting by myside with a plate full of food.
two cheese toast and two scrambled eggs, glass of milk.
i smiled and tried to wipe the sleep from my eyes..
which seemed to be impossible since i was still doped up on benadryl the night before.
it was my first breakfast in bed and it was rather good.
now im sweating my clothes off...literally....
and this hot laptop against my palms isn't making it better.
just thought i would record this moment since it was a first for me.

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:00:40 GMT

my nose is runny and my nose ring keeps slipping around to an annoying position that itches my nose.
so every now and then i will try to fix it and scratch my nose at the same time which looks very much like im searching for a booger.
i have my other nose ring back in, the one i got it peirced with.

I liked my full ring nose ring because it looked less noticable and cute, the one i have in now is kind of bulky.
and i have to keep straightening it so it isn't crooked, and the ring i never had to.

The reason that i dont have the nose ring that i like in is because i was not sober at the time and i accidently flushed it down the toliet after blowing my nose in a napkin.
When I was washing my hands I realised that my reflection was missing something in the mirror, my nose ring.
I was so bummed.

but anywho, i'm kind of miserable.
just physically anywho, with the not being able to breathe and discomfort of the nose.
but im currently located in savannah where me and ryan drove today.
we got his cat dozer and dog ari to bring them back to his house.
dozer ended up shitting on my belt buckle and i was dry heaving the whole ride.
I was breathing out my mouth trying not to smell it which in turn ended up fucking up my nose.
we also had to have the windows down so we would air out the smell, which meant no AC.
After being in the hot sun all day lifeguarding, i dont want to ride an hour in a hot poopy car.
i get irritable when i sweat and i sweat often.
it's easy for me too.

I'm going to miss Bravo channel when i move to my other apartment.
I love my boyfriend...not when he gets frustrated with fixing things though.

but besides that time....because he scares me b/c he cusses and hits things and tells me not to talk to him....kind of how i get when my hair doesn't work......i love him.

I am having an asthma attack.

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 15:21:33 GMT

I am in a weird mood, wanting to live a different life.
And in a weird way, I want to spiral down by myself.

Dinner

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:59:02 GMT

so me and the boyfriend went to el sombreo tonight to eat dinner. i was pretty stoked because neither of us have had it in a long time. we get there, order our drinks and food. our chips come out late but no worries. no big deal.

Then we get our food. I got my two beef taquitos and side rice and ryan got his two beef burritos and side rice. The guy that brought the food brought an extra plate of rice. We politely say that we didn't order that. He said okay and walked away. (The guy that brought us out our food was not our waiter.)

This has happened to me before and its not a big deal. They always take it back and probably use it for another plate since rice is a common side and we didn't touch it.

Me and Ryan start eating and as we are on our second bite our waiter comes back up to us and instead of asking how our meal was or if we needed refills he told Ryan that he ordered another side of rice. Ryan then replied no I didn't. I order the two beef burritos with rice. And the guy says you said extra rice, the burritos already comes with rice. Ryan then again said No, i said with rice. I didn't say extra. (He said with rice because the entre either comes with rice or beans. Ryan stated with rice because he wanted rice, not the beans.) Our waiter continues to argue with Ryan and I look at Ryan and start laughing because the whole thing is absurd.

The guy finally stopped talking picked up our drinks and then asked refill? we said Sure, caught off guard by his sudden stop of the argument and the question came out of no where. He then turns around takes our drinks to the back and refills them. (El Som. does not do this. They always get a pitcher of sweet tea and refill it at the table in front of you.) He brings them back and when he leaves I look at Ryan and i said he did something to them. They never take it to the back.

I watched him the whole time eyeing us, seeing if either one of us would pick up our drinks. Neither of us did. I stopped eating because it just made me thirstier and Ryan continued to eat. We were there maybe for a total of 8 minutes. We asked for the check and a box.

I didn't finish my dinner and it was pretty much shot to hell after the rude waiter fought with us about something that really didn't matter. We went to pay for our food and told the manager. I've never had service like that before where someone fought with us about what we ordered.

Needless to say it was a bad experience and i hope something happens to that ass hole.

Good morning

Sun, 31 May 2009 15:10:26 GMT

How in the world does a person wake up with heartburn? i haven't eaten anything yet and i am already in pain. NOT COOL.
Signed up for a twitter today. Even though I think it is the most stalkerish and self-absorbed program ever. I guess we humans can't stop talking about ourselves and broadcasting it.
i need coffee and breakfast.
and to finish up my painting.

so updates: Ryan has now moved back. Moving him into his room in savannah will be a challenge. A lot of stuff to clean up and declutter before we get his stuff moved in and situated.
The summer has started and I made one b and the rest A's for my spring semister. I am not taking summer classes but i am working at Splash again.
I am glad to be not working at Don's anymore.
I am addicted to playing Luigi Mansion on my gamecube and I am thinking this will be the first game that I will complete all by myself!
so nothing amazing in my life except that seeing ryan every day is something I am not getting tired of. He picked me up from work yesterday and bought me my favorite slushie. It made me tickle pink because it was thoughtful and a surprise after a day working out in the sun. the littlest things make me so incredialy happy because they are so thoughtful. I love that kid.
i am in desperate need of a trim.
i had a awesome weekend, one that was much needed. I went to the beach and got to blend in my lifeguard tan lines. afterwards I went to a show and watch some friends play. I haven't been to one in so long and i forgot how fun they can be. however having a boyfriend with me I think made it a little weird sometimes.
silly boys can't be jsut friends. or at least some.

it was fun none-the-less.

Sat, 16 May 2009 18:47:03 GMT

livejournal is annoying me.
i have tried THREE times to write a blog and then when I enter it something happens and everything I wrote is erased.
I then come back and try to retrieve it through saved drafts and nothing is there.
So I get pissed off and don't get back on here for another week and try again and the same thing happens.
So all i have to say is fuck you livejournal.
no updates about my life because of you.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:30:07 GMT

So these next few weeks are expected to be complete hell due to the multiple assignments teachers seem to be throwing my way. And even though I am not keeping up with this like I wanted to I figured while I wait for my fitness walking I would post an update on the uber interesting life of me. (sarcasm)

Yesterday was easter. Not super religious...and by that I mean I'm not religious at all. However, this doesn't change the fact that my mother's side of the family is annoyingly religious. This family event was made bareable by my cute grandma and my boyfriend being there. This was his first time meeting them and on the drive there I prepared him for the characters I had as relatives. What I predicted happened. My uncle, who has turned even more religious since my grandpa died, handed Ryan two devotional books after shaking his hand. I placed them in purse and neither one of us really plan to look at them. Good recycling I guess.

As I leave and hug uncle bye he says to me that he is praying for me and this ALWAYS creates awkwardness. I wish I could say I'd rather you not tell me things like that because there is no purpose in it. I'm all about people praying to their god but why would you tell the person you are praying about that you are praying for them? Does he want some kind recognition? Does he want me to say thanks and feel loved? Its just annoying. There isn't a point. Telling me that doesn't make his prayer powerful and it doesn't make me feel guilty. Just makes me annoyed to the fullest and create a long pause of "what do I say back to that?"

Then we went to my Pa's house. My dad's side of the family. It was amazingly better. Atmosphere was relaxed, less religious and godly based. And fun/funny. I felt more at ease and comfortable there. Dad asked me if I wanted to go to the cemetry to visit Bema. I don't know why he asks. I always say no and it's not like I was going to drag Ryan with me if I wanted to this time.

He doesn't let me explain why I don't want to go. He thinks I will get emotional or something but the cemetry holds no meaning or relevance to me. Its a peice of land where a bunch of decaying matter is. Bema isn't in the cemetry. She is in the home. She is everywhere within those walls and all the memories I have there. I have no memories at the cemetry except for her furneral which is something I am sure no one would want to relive. But anywho...thats the reason why I don't want to ever go and thats why I don't want to be buried.

My sister had a bad attitude towards me the whole time and kept saying very smug things to me and kept trying to put me down. I talked to ryan afterwards to make sure it wasn't just me thinking this but he completely agreed and said she just seems like an unhappy person. I really can't stand being around either of my sisters anymore. Both are completely dense and are constantly compelled to put me down and say ugly things towards me. They make fun of the way I dress or what I say/think when everyone else enjoys it. This could be out of jealousy but weither it is or not, it isn't an excuse to treat a family member that way. I've never been that way towards them. It makes them look very ugly.

I'm glad Ryan was able to come and I think he fits into our family well. It's always a good feeling to see that and to have him accepted. It makes our love and connection stronger in a way. Today we are going to go see his grandma in Savannah. It sucks that it is dreary today but I'm excited. I wish he wasn't leaving so soon but cross your fingers - he may be moving back to Statesboro soon which would be good because then everyone on here could stop hearing me whine about how much I miss him.